Funny People

So in my family we like to laugh, and we laugh at really bad jokes which makes everything even funnier.  Over the last month most of us have been shooting jokes back and forth and I thought I'd share a few of them (although there are certain journalists and pre-med students in the family that don't have much of a personality and prefer not to laugh.  Ever.).  Just to clarify up front none of these were taken from Laffy Taffy wrappers

Who would win a race between the KKK and the Nazi's?

The Nazi's cause they're the Facist!!!

Q. What did the zero say to the eight?
-          A. Nice belt! 

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef  

What did one cannibal say to the other as they were eating a clown?

Does this taste funny to you?

What did one atom say to the other?
Give me back my electron!
I didn't take it his friend said.  Are you sure you lost it?
To which the first replied,
"I am positive!"

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?

Because the cow has the utter.

Q-What do you call a guy laying in front of the door?

A-Matt

Q- What do you call a guy hanging on the wall?

A- Art

Q-What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

A-Bob

How are a grape and a chicken alike?

They’re both purple, except for the chicken.

Q - What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs living in a hot dog bun?

A - Frank

How do you tame a rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you tame a unique rabbit?

Same way, unique up on it.

Where does a general keep his army?

In his sleevy.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

Q- What do you call a cow with a twitch?

A- Beef Jerky

Q- What did the mother melon say to say to her daughter when she got a boyfriend?

A- You Cantalope!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Why wouldn’t the lobster share his toys?

Because he was shellfish.

Q- What was the name of the first all giraffe basketball team?

A- The New York Necks!

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

One night a guy was getting ready to go to bed when he heard the doorbell ring.  Disgruntled, he walked to the door and found a snail on the door step. " Excuse me sir, I'm selling magazine subscriptions, would you be interested in any?"  The man was so mad that he kicked the snail off the porch.  2 years later, its late at night again and the doorbell rings.  The man opens the door and the snail is on the porch again and says "What the heck was that all about?"

That same snail was driving down the street in a fast car with a big “S” painted in the hood.

Someone pointed and said, “Wow! Look at that escargot!”

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?

To try to hatchet.

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

The moose wouldn’t fit into the oven.

 And to top it off, Kristin made this video of my Dad and Uncle at work